I feel so alone.

The worst time of day

Is last thing at the night when there is a void next to me where he should be laying and first thing in the morning when you wake up and you remember the truth.

Have you seen her, have you heard?

Vodka and Black currant on my own in the house with the stone roses blasting out.

You could call it manic- you could call it coping.

I wish this feeling had a dimmer switch

You wouldn't think so much could happen in two days, Weds night a friend took me out for drinks on the gate which was lovely, however my fellah then broke up with me, which was horrible. He lent me his watch, which for comfort I would hold to my ear and listen to the mechanism as it ticked- I went to do that last night and all the raw feelings resufaced as I remembered I'd taken it off and put it on the table when he'd finnished us.

Everything around me is dissolving.

The one good thing is that my friends, my real friends, have all surged up to help lift my spirits, but I still feel so lonely. My frienship group being childish, I can handle, but loosing that idiot, well, my heart is broken to say the least. I really need my friends to support me right now, but most of them are too busy looking in the mirror to notice.

Sitting opposite the blinking load bar as photoshop configured what it wanted to do next, I could hear the dense, over-the-top laughter coming from the adjacent room as smooth as sandpaper. I'd tried to remain with my head held high for what seemed like weeks, realistically it had been only a few hours yet my body was still on the brink of tears all the time. I had done nothing wrong to become so ostracized from the group, yet I had still been left completely on my own. Friends that had once individually been my friends, friends that I had introduced to each other, had now turned their backs on me in force.

I had been just about driven completely insane, when one of the younger lads, a follower of the crowd, got up and slammed the door joining the two of our rooms. It was a very clear signal, as I flinched away from the loud cracking of the frame splinting from the exertion. I had sat there being taunted, pretending I couldn't hear their over loud conversations about how they were so happy, with their too pinched smiles and now I had been shut out very purposefully. I sat, staring. The ground opened up and swallowed me, but even that spat me back out.

That was yesterday.

Today I didn't even go to college.

Today I didn't even get out of bed.